The past week has been an emotional blur.
I have taken my first selfish step.
does that make me a stronger, independent adult, or have I begun reverting to childish egocentric behavior?
Exiting a relationship is a sticky situation. Wreckless in the sense that you know damage will be done on the counterpart and yourself, but you have to pick who you value more. And Red, you know I've been taught/have tried to live my entire life for other people.
I feel bad for him. I wish I could capture all his pain in its entirety and take it upon myself or at least get rid of it.
but.
I've also realized I have become a risk taker.
Something I've never thought i would see next to my name.
Sam, Risk-taker.
you know you hear those stories of people opting out of once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, to chase something very improbable, but something that they are irrevocably passionate about.
I have become that person, and what I am chasing is that passionate, all-consuming, honest, eternal, perhaps idealistic, but ecstasy-inducing happiness that is love.
He was amazing. A dying breed really, the chances of me coming across another so respectful and selfless and loving are few, but I cannot reciprocate as I wish to. And I really did want to.
sorry if i sound like a bitch.
But i took the risk and walked away.
I am chasing the real thing Red.
I am chasing true love.
As for him, if you are reading this, or ever happen to stumble across it, I hope you find true love too. Find someone who looks forward to you every minute of everyday. Who embraces every awkward gesture or trademark phrase. Who remembers that you don't like inefficiency but love challenges. Who will love everything about you, not being blind to your flaws, but loving you regardless of whether you have them. I hope you find someone who you are everything too and I hope she finds you too. I am sorry, but Im looking for this too. So good luck in your endeavor for the real thing. Every ounce of me hopes that you find it.
I will think of you every time I think of true love, in the hopes that you will find it.
One more thing to keep in mind...
"No, this is how it works: You peer inside yourself, You take the things you like, And try to love the things you took, And then you take that love you made, And stick it into some, Someone else's heart, Pumping someone else's blood, And walking arm in arm, You hope it don't get harmed, But even if it does, You'll just do it all again..."
Red, you and I have usually been on the same side of the fence, we walk arm in arm with someone, hope we dont get harmed, but do.
We always ALWAYS do it all again though.
we always will.
but this time, i have a new bit of knowledge. I have been the one to walk away and do the harming, and I apologized, and I will as many times is asked of me. but sometimes the harmer isn't a villain, but an ambitious explorer, looking for too precious a treasure to settle for safety and return to shore, wealthy to some men, but empty to himself. Maybe this voyager knows he cannot rest til he has found what he has set out for, and waves will be trampled underneath, friends will be lost in what they call his insanity, but he knows the risks are necessary.
Maybe at the end of the day, it isn't about arriving at shore with something tangible, but knowing that you are willing to journey to the ends of the earth, and even if you haven't found what you're looking for, even if you don't ever find true love, you have experienced the ecstasy of getting closer every time, and the satisfaction of knowing that you have done all that you can. That you love the quest for love. and that you love to love.
how much closer do you need to get? if you can love, then you've got your compass, and your journey will already be fulfilling.
