You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start"
my intention was not to exclude you.
I do not think you are a person who hates. But i think you do have trouble accepting, or supporting my decision to join a sorority. and i understand and respect that. I also understand that one should not make assumptions about people one has not had the opportunity to meet. If you would like to take up my behavior with me, go for it, in fact i think you are more than justified to do so given my recent behavior.
3 weeks ago, maybe i was that person who valued social status more than it should be, and obsessed over appearance, and drank away her woes.
but things change.
its funny, ive never really thought i had a childhood, i assumed that i had done all the growing up I could already, but life proved me wrong.
"nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard, I'm going back to the start"
I know that people care about me, not to sound egocentric, I know i have you, and steph, and matt, and mike, and julian, and babes, and all my friends here and at home,
but Porsia,
I have never felt so alone.
The pressure of excelling here to break a cycle, the realization that this is my only way out, the quickly declining health of my mother, the worry that she is alone, the worry that i am the only one she has to take care of her and I am 3000 miles away, the responsibilities of the spouse i have taken on since infancy, the lack of someone or something to fall back on, the feeling of loneliness and of being misunderstood, the abandonment by my father, and the disappointment of my family, the injustice at work that the person i love most must face on a daily basis, and the scars of abuse in the past have surpassed metaphysical standards,
they are physically weighing me down.
and i can't breathe.
Atlas is doing his best to carry the weight on his shoulders.
He's panting and pulling through, but that doesn't mean there aren't tears rolling down his cheeks.
and then i wonder about my mom. the only thing i have. and life could've whisked her away in a heartbeat. literally.
Have I ever made her happy?
As for you, I am sorry, I know i have you, thats why I called you and left you a message, it was my instinct to call you.
but i feel like im straddling the line between trusting you and burdening you. It's a very fine line.
Know that I love you,
"I'm going back to the start"
to my core,
I can only deal with this all if I am myself, and I feel like I lost that person somewhere in all the alcohol and struggles and temptations,
so maybe its time to empty the cup and start over.
i really do hope amorvincitomnia.
Sincerely,
the Scientist.
you are not burdening me. And as of right now, I promise to give this sorority endeavor a chance, an open acceptance. I hope it is everything you want it to be and that you meet lovely people. I truly want that for you. I know people are good and have goodness within them, so that is what I believe about your fraternity and sorority brothers and sisters.
ReplyDeleteAs for the albatross on your shoulders. You have a long road ahead of you Sam, and I know you know that. I am glad your mom is okay from the accident. I have no right to tell you what you should do, or even give advice to you because I am only a friend on the sidelines. But if your mom is the most important person to you, than you must take care of her. Perhaps set her up with her sister in Alaska, or something where she has someone, maybe that someone is you. We are not meant to live alone. "No man is an island"- John Donne. We are a people in continuous relationships and this American belief that we are supposed to be independent and rise to the top is a fallacy. Because success is not measured in money or who you leave behind or who you bring down, it is measured in faith, love and who you are as a person. One should never see another as a crutch, and I know I do sometimes. But every human being is built with absolute beauty, love, dignity, and respect. and that is the one truth I know. We must uphold that truth.
You are not alone, at least know that in your struggles, other people are struggling as well. Look anywhere, at anyone, life is hard for every human being, just a different kind of hardness. What you have gone through and continue to go through is continuous hardship BUT your life is also quite beautiful Sam. Please remember the good in your life, the goodness in your family, the goodness in your past, the goodness that awaits your future.
I want you to know that God adores you with every fiber of his/her being. We are meant to struggle, to suffer in order to know what it means to feel light. That is the beauty of the freedom to choose. We can choose to be light or choose to be darkness.
Fight on, Sam.
Keep carrying the heavy load on your back, I will make sure it does not fall off or crush you. I also want you to know... You are free. And with this freedom, comes responsibility.
Be free, be who you want to be, no excuses.
Be yourself And love on.
Porsia