Olin

As i sit, what feels like, atop the world, staring over the (Finger) Lakes (maybe?), taking in the perfect contrast of the aged stone and lush green foliage, marveling at how Cornell can be so breathtaking in what most would call terrible May weather, i find myself amused at how the beginning and the end so often coincide.

While I have been studying, procrastinating, but mostly procrastinating in several variations of library, many have been folding clothes neurotically, throwing out junk acquired through random school-sponsored events, burning statistic books, taping boxes shut, and sealing their first year of college with suppressed tears and reluctant goodbyes.

A sense of finality is established as the door is shut and the key (that you probably lost or left at some random frat a number of times throughout the year) is slipped between the centimeter separating the door and dirty college dorm carpet. The last snapshot in your mind of the place you called home for the last 9 months perhaps brings with it a flood of fond, not-so-long ago memories.

The first time you sucked it up and spoke to the freak who found herself magnetically attracted to the floor. or the girl lying under a tye-dye blanket, only introducing her(intoxicated)self after popping her head out from beneath in a turtle-like fashion. or the boy whose first words to you were "is it ok if i take of my shirt really quickly" and somehow ended up being your best friend and support system.

the nights of sloppily stumbling back home from frat parties (that you waited in line for absurd amounts of time to get into) only to ask your friends what they remembered the next morning over brunch, in order to piece together the crazy antics of your hallmates, are over.

the first snow has melted, the initial innocence dissipated, and the you you knew has been upgraded (or maybe downgraded, considering the obscene amounts of unhealthy beverages consumed).

Your last nine months have been characterized by shots, of espresso and classy Svedka. but those shots have been consumed alongside your new family. the family YOU get to choose, you friends.

so now you go back into the real world for 3 months, a different person, alone. without your crew.

some of us go back to the familiar, to discover for themselves the way they have changed. perhaps a small bubble in Connecticut to find that pining for acceptance is unnecessary, that being worried that people won't love you for who you are is pointless, because the right people, the one's who smile when hearing your repetitive drunk phrase for the night, may not be wearing Lily Pullitzer, may be hippies or Jews, may not reside in Stepford, CT, but exist nonetheless.

some of us don't have a far trek home at all, maybe the townies have the trickiest task. because their reality and paradise are separated by a very fine line. perhaps their struggle is the worst, how do you notice a change in yourself, without having a standard of comparison?

and then, there are some who find themselves stepping in unfamiliar territory, voluntarily. leaving the past in the past. and moving forward.

haha, so serious a talk, what a sharp contrast, im getting my ideas straightened out in my head, and behind me there is a cute asian lying on the floor, her boyfriend laughing, and loads of social psychology waiting for me to memorize it.

anywho.

babes was right.

running away is not moving forward, but sometimes moving forward means running away.

running? fuck, i feel like I'm sprinting.

sprinting when everyone else has started their cool down.

you know what else, there is no time to look back right now, i'll lose speed.

if you're in the cool-down, if you're walking, drifting, hell if you're sitting, breathe and enjoy it. , you'll have your time to sprint, ill have my time to drift.

move forward.

Give life a kidney shot, and chase after your dreams!

Sam,

I guess I should ask what it exactly means: “living for others”? This year I have realized that it is absolutely impossible living for oneself. What I mean by that statement is this: Despite what many may tell you, everything you chose to do, say, ect, effects not only yourself but all those around you. For the good, for the bad. We are all affected by one another. John Donne once said, “No man is an island…”

With this being said, that doesn’t mean you cannot achieve personal happiness or search for that one thing that makes you come alive, because in doing so, in the end, you will make others come alive.

Here’s my philosophy, there must be a balance. If you do everything for yourself then you forget about the common good for all. And if you do everything for everyone else, then you forget about following your own passions and desires that can then benefit others.  For example, in the pursuit of finding love, you are doing it for your own happiness, but the end result is a beautiful love that many will be able to witness and share in. So perhaps at first it is for yourself, but in the end it is for all.

There is a time where you must venture out on your own and find your own adventure and self-discovery. Sometimes others will be upset or may not understand, but time will give them clarity and all will be all right. It’s almost like a cost-benefit analysis. At what cost are you willing to do something else? And yet at the same time, one must do what makes them come alive or there is no purpose to life. We must live together, we must support each other, we must save each other. But we must save ourselves first before we can help anyone else… 

amorvincitomnia.

eat, drink, be merry?

Dear Red,

I know ive spent my entire life living for others. with all that's been going on in your life lately, i've watched you live your life for other people. but just the other day, my brother asked me, encouraged me, to live for myself. he said this is all we have, and if you base your choices on the judgment of others, youll miss out on the golden years.

heres my dilemma, do i live for others, or do i finally start living for myself?

must they be separate entities?

because it seems to be that way.

if i continue to base all my actions on the good of others, i will live a relatively guilt-free life. I will feel good in an arguably self-righteous manner. I will be proud of my actions. but i wont be necessarily doing what brings happiness or pleasure. and i know what youre thinking Red, because im thinking it too... really Sam? you think pleasure is the basis of happiness?

maybe?

not always. thus far ive told myself happiness is found in love of others, but what happens when what needs to be done out of love for others is self-destructive?

i'm finding myself tiptoeing this fine line as of late.

ok, so lets assume i choose to live for myself, then i will be consumed by guilt. its just who i am.

so im screwed???

whats your take on this smorshe?

amorvincitomnia? i am trying to convince myself so.

Love,

Sam