To the muse within us all.

Breathe.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

Sam,

We are destined for a glorious existence if we so choose. We are living a glorious existence, if you take the time to look. Right at this moment, you are love.

Sometimes we get lost in the negativity, we get lost in our struggles, our pains, our vulnerability. And we will always feel such emotions. But don’t settle for the one sided affair. Don’t lose yourself in the self pity, the emptiness, the constant beating yourself up for making mistakes. Because doing so does not make you free, it does not let you live, it does not bring you closer to love.

We must realize that we will fall, we will screw up. And we will disappoint some people, we will cry. We will be mean, we will be made fun of.

And yet, we will rise. There is a greater aspect of life that we miss out on when we linger in our shadows. The light in our lives is overwhelming. We are beautiful people. We are love. We are hope. We will always laugh, we will always have friends, we can always try again if we fail the first time.

My dear friend, life brings us all down sometimes, but stand tall. Get back on your feet. Pat yourself on the back., you are doing just fine. We all get confused, and we may never reach full clarity, but thirst for the unknown, for mystery, for knowledge, for truth. Grab life by the hand, and plundge forward into the deep blue depths. Your vision may be cloudy, the water might be cold, but take a shot, take a chance.

Say yes.

Thank you for being you.

With love,

Your best friend forever,

Your muse,

Your constant,

Porsia

Dear Red,

i think i need a muse? (male though, unless muses can be male or female, but usually theyre female).

anywho,

my inspiration and motivation are abnormally low.

my open mind is more closed than i would have ever anticipated or hoped.

so i have come to you for help.

Words of wisdom?

maybe you can be my muse lol.

im also incredibly confused.

i will have passion and love in my life.

i hope.

miss you inexpressible amounts,

tu latina

Dear Red,

Perhaps the purpose of the nightmares and sporadic, surreal, spurts of pain in our lives, is to remind us to look around at the small miracles in every average minute of every average day, to give an (arguably unneeded) standard of comparison; we are human, we fall, but next time you do, pay attention to the beauty of the moment in which you lift your head up, the glory and the power and the courage in that moment where you have shifted from kneeling vulnerability, to an individual standing unconquerable beyond the grasp of the coward that is fear.

More to come,

all my love,

as always,

Sam

Blind Ethics

Samantha,

What are we, as human beings, meant to do in this world? If I may, let me answer this as purely as possible. I believe we are meant to love. I believe we are meant to live in solidarity with one another and practice the art of compassion and empathy. I believe that we are called to attend to the most vulnerable, to the most in need. I believe we are called to live freely and openly. I believe that the human race is good, and that evil holds no place here.

But what are we really meant to do here?

And then I think, are we called to be completely selfless? In our lives, is it more important to make oneself happy or to create happiness for others? Is there a balance of creating your own happiness while also creating the happiness for others?

I find myself wishing I was filled with answers, with infinite knowledge, with everlasting desire that never burns out.

What is happiness? Lately, I don''t even know what the word means anymore. In our constitution it states that we have a right to the pursuit of happiness. What the hell does that even mean?

I think about the life that I live. I constantly make decisions in order to make other people happy, in order to make life better for others. And yet recently, I feel as though I am missing something. There is a wide gap, gnawing at my pathetic soul and I wonder why this feeling is so present at this very moment. I preach carpe diem, I tell others to risk, to dream, to pursue. And then I look at my life, and I wonder, when have I ever done any of these? Why do I not seize the day? Why do I never think, "What would Porsia do?"

Sam, money is holding me back. I have become that person. I fear being in debt, like my family is now. My heart is absolutely breaking. I wish I could help my dad and my mom. I wish I could make everything better. I wish that money held no purpose, that all people really had the chance at being happy. My dad tells me how lucky I am that I have the job of being a resident adviser, how lucky I am that I get a scholarship, that I won't be in debt after college. But all I can think about are the things I will be missing out because of it. Since I am always thinking about money, I ignore opportunity. I ignore the professors who plead with their students to study abroad, to experience new places. I look at people who throw their money away on chance, and am horrified inside. It has been instilled in me that risking and taking chances is only a laughing matter, that security and caution is the route to take. But I feel as though that road is so empty, so unfulfilling. But at the same time, I feel as though, it is selfish of me to give up scholarships for the sake of having fun, for the sake of my own happiness. And this is where I ask that question: What are we as people meant to do in this world? I want to do good, Sam, I want my kids to take chances. I want my kids to live a full life. But what is the full life? Who determines it?

I don't know what to do. I am unsure as to who I am becoming, but I sure as hell know that I do indeed love life. That although I do not play with risks, I can still seize the day. I can still live.

I am blind. But I once heard it said that "only the blind can truly see".

Love always,

Porsia

The Last Domino

Dear Red,

I cannot say I have never felt this scared. That is not what makes my current situation so deplorable.

I have never felt so overwhelmed with disappointment.

I have never felt so angry.

and if there is one thing you know about me, is that I do not get angry.

The nature of humanity, or particularly the nature of one person has made me reconsider my faith in man.

This self-proclaimed idealist has been let down by one of those closest to her, who has turned to manipulation and injustice in a Machiavellian attempt to justify her own ending success.

"Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer."

--> I cannot decide whether this could be more false, or ironically and painfully true. For when those you trust the most betray you, you have succeeded in following this adage more closely and perfectly, backwards and forwards, regularly and inversely, than one could ever expect.

For the first time I can ever identify, I have had to tell myself not to by into my own malice and anger. I have had to ward off anger?

Luckily for me, a spicy red pops into my head, reminding me that benevolence and love will always win.

You know why? you? yes you? anyone else reading this...

Anyone stumbling upon this tidbit, do you want to know why love will always triumph?

because hatred and deception and all things of the sort, are so utterly confused by love, they know not where to begin attacking it. Because even if they attack and injure Love, it will be ineffectual. Love knows not hatred or injury, and its only remedy or rebuttal is to Love more. Hatred can never match the artillery of Love. Love needs not weapons or pain-inflicting tools. It has a power unmatched by anything or anyone.

Love confounds anything that knows it not. Eliminating any enemies by default.

Love will always remain undefeated.

...

...

suck on that bitch.

(and that is as angry as I will allow myself to be.)

to you, who is attempting to inject my life, and the life of the person i love most in this world with pain and doubt, i will say this:

I will never sink down to your level.

I will battle your injustice with morality, and love, and the only tools i have been given. And you know what? the love in my life (from Red, and the people i love) nullifies any and all fucking hatred you could possibly conjure.

what a juxtaposition of expletives and idealism, a tad hypocritical SORRY. but im human, still an idealist through it all though.

I love you Red.

thanks for reading.

thanks for loving.

thanks for being you.

im listening/reading.

your turn,

amorvincitomnia,

sam

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again- Phantom of the Opera

Dearest Friend,

I woke up this morning to a wall post you left me saying "I'm lost". What a coincidence, I believe I am too. And it is even more ironic, since Lost, the show, premiered last night! It is quite interesting how some days you can feel so on top of the world, so euphoric, and alive; and the next day, you can feel so utterly confused, apathetic, and alone. I think the feeling that tortures me the most is loneliness. And yet, I am nearly never physically alone. Friends are over often. I am busy with clubs and classes. I see people all the time. But for some reason there is a void. I feel incomplete. I feel as though, every day, there could be something more, someone else, just something.

I find myself listening to sad songs, I find myself depressed. And I think why? I have a good life. I have so much. And maybe this is just what life does sometimes. It gets you down, to raise you back up again. Perhaps we must all go through funks, perhaps we must feel loneliness in order to appreciate when we have people that truly matter in our lives.

I wish you were somehow here again. Nostalgia takes over sometimes and I get lost in my past and I wonder why I can't freeze time, why I can't have more time when life is good.

Remember the story I told you about those Washington boys who visited? I think I am in love with one of them. And I use the word "love" lightly. But there isn't anything I can really do about it. That feeling is the worst. Knowing that you cant really be in love after meeting someone for a day, but at the same time feeling this beautiful connection that has to mean something. Maybe I just so badly want to be in love with someone. Maybe I have become so obsessed with the idea of love that it has lost some of it's meaning. I do not know.

Sam, I want to love freely. I want to be me again. I don't like feeling lost.

I miss you. And I thank you for being someone I can love and someone who loves me.

It is February, and I believe this year has perhaps not started like I have wanted it to. I want to do better, I want to be better. I want LOVE.

But most importantly, I need to remain idealistic although it has become hard to do so. I must believe in life, in people, in love. Because if I stop believing, that is the moment I stop living. That is the moment I sell my soul to the cynics. And I have seen the kind of life they live Sam. And it is so empty. It is how I feel now, and no happiness comes from it. Tell me to fight on Sam, tell me a passionate life, although filled with pain, is much more worth living than a lifeless existence, where I would feel nothing and never be sad.

Barely breathing,

Porsia