Blind Ethics

Samantha,

What are we, as human beings, meant to do in this world? If I may, let me answer this as purely as possible. I believe we are meant to love. I believe we are meant to live in solidarity with one another and practice the art of compassion and empathy. I believe that we are called to attend to the most vulnerable, to the most in need. I believe we are called to live freely and openly. I believe that the human race is good, and that evil holds no place here.

But what are we really meant to do here?

And then I think, are we called to be completely selfless? In our lives, is it more important to make oneself happy or to create happiness for others? Is there a balance of creating your own happiness while also creating the happiness for others?

I find myself wishing I was filled with answers, with infinite knowledge, with everlasting desire that never burns out.

What is happiness? Lately, I don''t even know what the word means anymore. In our constitution it states that we have a right to the pursuit of happiness. What the hell does that even mean?

I think about the life that I live. I constantly make decisions in order to make other people happy, in order to make life better for others. And yet recently, I feel as though I am missing something. There is a wide gap, gnawing at my pathetic soul and I wonder why this feeling is so present at this very moment. I preach carpe diem, I tell others to risk, to dream, to pursue. And then I look at my life, and I wonder, when have I ever done any of these? Why do I not seize the day? Why do I never think, "What would Porsia do?"

Sam, money is holding me back. I have become that person. I fear being in debt, like my family is now. My heart is absolutely breaking. I wish I could help my dad and my mom. I wish I could make everything better. I wish that money held no purpose, that all people really had the chance at being happy. My dad tells me how lucky I am that I have the job of being a resident adviser, how lucky I am that I get a scholarship, that I won't be in debt after college. But all I can think about are the things I will be missing out because of it. Since I am always thinking about money, I ignore opportunity. I ignore the professors who plead with their students to study abroad, to experience new places. I look at people who throw their money away on chance, and am horrified inside. It has been instilled in me that risking and taking chances is only a laughing matter, that security and caution is the route to take. But I feel as though that road is so empty, so unfulfilling. But at the same time, I feel as though, it is selfish of me to give up scholarships for the sake of having fun, for the sake of my own happiness. And this is where I ask that question: What are we as people meant to do in this world? I want to do good, Sam, I want my kids to take chances. I want my kids to live a full life. But what is the full life? Who determines it?

I don't know what to do. I am unsure as to who I am becoming, but I sure as hell know that I do indeed love life. That although I do not play with risks, I can still seize the day. I can still live.

I am blind. But I once heard it said that "only the blind can truly see".

Love always,

Porsia