Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again- Phantom of the Opera

Dearest Friend,

I woke up this morning to a wall post you left me saying "I'm lost". What a coincidence, I believe I am too. And it is even more ironic, since Lost, the show, premiered last night! It is quite interesting how some days you can feel so on top of the world, so euphoric, and alive; and the next day, you can feel so utterly confused, apathetic, and alone. I think the feeling that tortures me the most is loneliness. And yet, I am nearly never physically alone. Friends are over often. I am busy with clubs and classes. I see people all the time. But for some reason there is a void. I feel incomplete. I feel as though, every day, there could be something more, someone else, just something.

I find myself listening to sad songs, I find myself depressed. And I think why? I have a good life. I have so much. And maybe this is just what life does sometimes. It gets you down, to raise you back up again. Perhaps we must all go through funks, perhaps we must feel loneliness in order to appreciate when we have people that truly matter in our lives.

I wish you were somehow here again. Nostalgia takes over sometimes and I get lost in my past and I wonder why I can't freeze time, why I can't have more time when life is good.

Remember the story I told you about those Washington boys who visited? I think I am in love with one of them. And I use the word "love" lightly. But there isn't anything I can really do about it. That feeling is the worst. Knowing that you cant really be in love after meeting someone for a day, but at the same time feeling this beautiful connection that has to mean something. Maybe I just so badly want to be in love with someone. Maybe I have become so obsessed with the idea of love that it has lost some of it's meaning. I do not know.

Sam, I want to love freely. I want to be me again. I don't like feeling lost.

I miss you. And I thank you for being someone I can love and someone who loves me.

It is February, and I believe this year has perhaps not started like I have wanted it to. I want to do better, I want to be better. I want LOVE.

But most importantly, I need to remain idealistic although it has become hard to do so. I must believe in life, in people, in love. Because if I stop believing, that is the moment I stop living. That is the moment I sell my soul to the cynics. And I have seen the kind of life they live Sam. And it is so empty. It is how I feel now, and no happiness comes from it. Tell me to fight on Sam, tell me a passionate life, although filled with pain, is much more worth living than a lifeless existence, where I would feel nothing and never be sad.

Barely breathing,

Porsia